party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
