i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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