That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
