Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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