I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
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on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset