HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
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you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
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i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.