Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
