Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
