You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
