Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Blood and glitter go together right?
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How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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