she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
