He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
