Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
