The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think my moral compass just broke
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
