Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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