I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
