I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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