i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So. Much. Porn.
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