I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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