remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
