cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
