Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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