There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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