As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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