on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
