i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He shit in the fireplace
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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