i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
