This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
