im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
