the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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