That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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