How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
