you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
