I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
now i know why i became what i already was.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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