My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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