she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
