my phone needs a breathalizer
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
