security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
