I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
