omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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