I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
