Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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