the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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