I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
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Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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