pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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