do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wear drunk well.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
