totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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