He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
