Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
