i think my tv is drunk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
