WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.