worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
