I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
