i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
