I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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