Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's always time for handjobs
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
