I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
