So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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