Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
