I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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