I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
