That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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