Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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